Today I AM: Back To Happy

I can honestly say I am happy. I can also honestly say I have not completely found joy, but with the new found happiness I believe I am moving in the right direction.

Perhaps the dark veil has been lifted or maybe I just decided to not give a damn. Either way it happened. The long self-talks and the even longer steamy hot showers, the weekend brunches and the dating (self) have proven to be helpful tools in recovery. I have been able to weed the Garden of Sommer and learn to take every day one moment at a time.

I was a die hard planner. Always have been, really, but after having kids planning (and back-up planning) became an essential part of life. When the winds of change came huffing, puffing and blowing my house down, I realized all of the plotting and planning in the world could not save anything. All of the lists and calendars and control-freak tendencies would never make life easier….it only prolonged the eventual crazy.

Each day, I get up, I say thanks to God, read the verse of the day and the rest is up for debate. I don’t worry about the day ahead, who has what, who is going where, or why they are doing/going/seeing/moving/saying. Each quarter of my day is based on simplicity. Some days, like any other human, I get in my own stupid way, but for the most part I float.  Nothing is left to order…everything is left to chance.

It is liberating to just simply let go. You hear people say it all of the time. “Let go and let God” or “If you love something, let it go” or just simply “Let it go”. Eckart Tolle says it best when he says all we have is right now, this moment. Letting go has helped me to become a happier individual. The only plan I am currently making is to stick around in Happy Town for a bit. It feels so good to be back.

~SM

What Ever Happened To The Holidays?

What ever happened to holidays? When did they disappear? I have always been a fan of this time of year. Warm squishy feelings would seep their way into my belly right after Labor Day. The leaves would change and I would be covered in gooey pumpkin guts up to the elbow. The beautiful trees would shed their jewel tones and be bare. The house would smell of a major carb overload. Then came Christmas songs being piped through mall speakers, fake glitter snow being placed in store windows, and an electricity in the air no one could quite put a finger on except to say it was ‘the spirit of Christmas’. *sigh*

Yup, well, all that shit is gone apparently. Black Friday deals go up November 1st, Halloween is overshadowed by the Easter Bunny, the poor Pilgrims, Indians, & pies of Thanksgiving are lost in the fray and the spirited Christmas crackle has been reduced to a simple, exhausted poof.

Surfing the internet this morning, I came across Black Friday ads from various stores and the more I flipped through the ads, the sadder I became. The ads were filled with televisions, computers, video games, and cell phones. Hundreds of dollars displayed in a ‘get it now! great deal!’ fashion. Just for a split second, I was mentally plotting my budget and shopping strategy.  Let’s face it, it is easy to get sucked in with the can’t-beat-it pricing and the gotta-have-it mentality, but when you think about it (honestly) is it necessary?

Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed Black Friday excursions. It was actually a mother-daughter tradition. Most of the time we just went to be among the hustle and bustle until the hustle and bustle became more like a trample and mob. It is sad (and kinda scary) that this is where we are. We are literally running and leaping for…..stuff.

I plan on setting up shop at a Starbucks, perhaps, and watching the crazy people be crazy. For me it is pure dark comedy. We sit around a table with loved ones and give our thanks for various things such as family, friends, good food, God, blessings, and so on–yet by the time the turkey-coma has worn off we are slipping out of the door with debit/credit cards in hand to get more stuff (and trample on the slow and feeble to get it). What if we slowed down a bit and enjoyed the pumpkin guts and the carb loading and the crackle? Would the stuff still mean as much? Probably not. We would forget about me-my-mine and more-more-more. Man…whatever happened to the holidays?

~SM

Crazy Is And Crazy Does….Literally

We have discussed Brooklyn and her many, many ridiculously crazy ideas. We have also discussed how I manage to suck my own stupid self in to her many, many ridiculously crazy ideas. This particular idea might not be extremely crazy (unlike some of the other ones she has presented), but to me it is just insane enough to have me shook.

Running. I love it. The other day I was in need of some free thought space and I strapped on my tennis shoes and high-tailed it out of the office. I pounded the treadmill until my body hurt. It is abuse, I am almost positive. Running is my way of escape. It is what brings the world back into focus. When I run, I am free….but…err…that run lasts about 45 minutes and on a good day that freedom equals 3 miles. Never, ever in a million years did I think that freedom would equal 26.2 miles on purpose.

Yes, I said it. 26.2 miles. No, that is not a typo. That number represents the amount of miles my size 10’s will travel in November 2015. Even typing it is giving me gas (or perhaps it is just the morning coffee talking). What the hell did I just do??? Am I nuts?! Yea, I would say so.

I am already training for the Iron Man 70.3 in September 2015 (I am pretty sure I won’t make the May 2015 race) so I suppose I could just add extra umph to accommodate for the 26.2 in November. The extra work is not what is catching me in the gassy throws of fear–it is the actual task of completing the race. Tattoo my face? Let’s get it. Sky dive? Hell yes! Lay down in a bed of snakes? Sure, why not. Rely on my 35 (well…36 at race time) year old body to carry _____ pounds for 7-8 constant, pavement pounding hours? Yea, no, I am certainly not feeling that one.

What is done is done. I suppose I can’t or won’t spend my time going down the long list of worries spinning around in my head. I will just focus on getting it done. I will focus on staying healthy so I can make it through. I will focus on the positive aspects of going balls to the wall crazy with Crazy (aka Brooklyn). Not everyone can pull that kind of challenge off. Not every 252 lb woman can push her body and her spirit to complete that particular task. Not everyone can do crazy….but crazy is and crazy does.

~SM