At some point, a person has to get serious about their life. We are given a numbered amount of days, and, if I do say so myself, I am desperately in a race against time not to waste whatever is left.
Late last night I lay on the couch, lights dim, television dark, and music low. In the excitement of getting The Me back, I had strayed away from the stolen quiet moments. Hushing the excited chatter of the New Shiny Twin, a thought passed that had more depth than what I was going to wear the next day: What was I working toward? Even Shiny Twin had to sit still and mull it over, too.
I have always been a list-plan-a-b-c person. Now, that doesn’t mean I always followed said lists and plans, but I spent the time at least writing them out. Calendars, schedules, budgets….you name it I probably have a notebook for it. Recently, I made a conscious effort to stop the planning and just live moment to moment. It has been nice…it has aided in The Transformation actually but it’s time to get back to planning for something.
I lay on the couch in the semi-quiet, realizing I had no goals to work toward. I had focus items (i.e. get kids into a good school next year, get kids through school this year, manage to not Why-Did-I-Get-Married-Jill-Scott-dinner-table The Ex…you know…important stuff) but not goals for myself. Young Gun called me out with a weight loss challenge, Brooklyn charged me with the whole 26.2 thing, I threw down the triathlon gauntlet on my own dumb self, but don’t I need more?
I sat trying to sift through the shallow, insignificant life stuff and the important take-time-to-make-a goal-for-it stuff and realized the point of the goal is not about what I want to accomplish…it is about who I want to become. I have yet to drag out the notebook paper and calendar. I have yet to pour over numbers, budgets, and timelines. The goals I have in mind are stuck just outside the foggy barrier in my head, not wanting to reveal themselves just yet. And that is ok…I am not quite ready to handle them just yet anyway. About the only thought I can contend with is that there has to be more….I need to do more….I need to be more. This next phase of my life will be dedicated to that…I suppose that is goal number one: be better because, now, I know better.