During my cable having OWN Lifeclass Super Soul Sunday watching days, I learned that anger is not anger at all really…it’s fear. Unable to get a grasp on the road raging complaining mumbling week I had and why, I realized all of it was coming from fear. But what am I afraid of?
Everything is going well. The kids are fine. The living quarters are ok. The Mom Bus is hanging in there. Work is work, but fine. Romantic life is swimming. Weight loss is a bitch, but hey–that’s no surprise. So of all of the things spinning on the little planet of Me, what could I possibly be presenting itself as a fear? I suppose it could be several things. Life never presents itself in a nice neat little package all of the time. Sometimes you actually have to pay attention.
I wrote down a list of all the things happening currently and the one with the most potential was money. Money. I have none. It is a stresser that seems to grip my spine and shake the living shit out of it. It shakes and shakes until I am nothing more than a puddle of weeping flesh. Blood is definitely being squeezed out of this turnip.
I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I have a plan. I try to execute it and it all goes to poop by pay day. Something breaks or a kid needs something or a utility company wants money. Nothing seems to be enough and enough seems to be nothing. It is a vicious cycle of disappointment, and unfortunately it is a fearful place to reside.
At any moment I am afraid of my entire world crashing down. Just one little thread being pulled and the fabric of Sadie’s World will be unraveled. A person cannot live in that fear space for long, and unfortunately it festers and becomes anger. Anger soon turns to bitterness. And bitterness is just plain ugly (I do not desire to be unattractive at any point….ever).
So what is a girl to do? Find a sugar daddy? Young Gun might not approve. Work a pole? The onlookers may not like what they see. Waitress? Yea….if you know me you know that would never work. What to do, what to do? I suppose first things first: Pray. Then just deal. Even at the most inopportune times when the thread was being pulled, Sadie’s World did not completely unravel. It felt like it, but it didn’t. It never does. I just have to hold onto that knowledge, take a breath, and rework the plan–whatever that is. I have to step back and release the fear thus releasing the anger too.