Category Archives: Vision

From The Mouths of Babes

For a whole fifteen teenage minutes yesterday, The Girl stood making her case as to why I should start making gift baskets again or go back to G. Mag. She proceeded to say how I needed something for myself and how she was trying to boost my confidence. “I have confidence!” I proclaimed. She didn’t look all that convinced. YG sat on my right, amen-ing from his gallery seat. “Please tell your mother.” He said. “I’ve been telling her this for how long?” He said. Okay, okay. I get it. It is time to stop sleeping. I hear you.

Here’s the thing, though. I made (and stand by) some valid excuses—err points. First, the basket thing is tough. I hate selling stuff. I’m terrible at it. And besides, who would actually spend their hard-earned money on…me?  As far as my baby G. Mag is concerned, I refuse to bring her back without doing it right. I need money, and a lot of it, to do it the way it should be done. Figure it out, they said. *sigh* Don’t worry about the money, they demanded. Invest in yourself, they preached. It isn’t that easy. Is it?

Aside from (the valid) excuses and their ridiculous rebuttals, I do feel like it is time. Something is brewing along the horizon in the distance. The air around me is static and the clouds are pregnant…with something.

I won’t say I am close. I am not. But I am certainly not as far removed as I was. I think the circumstances at the present moment are roaring in my ears. So much so, I can’t hear the sound being made from dreams meant to be touched. Perhaps, that is why on a beautiful Sunday afternoon a 16-year-old with important teenage things to do stood in my face defiantly walking all over my excuses trying to convince me of what was waiting. “If I had talent like you, Mommy,” she said matter of factly, “I’d be using it.” Well…I guess its time I start, hm?

~SM

 

 

What The Heck Am I Suppose To Do With That???

Me. Meet Crossroads. Crossroads. Meet Me. I suppose this feeling of slightly lost could be attributed to the new year approaching, the Boy getting older, and the Girl’s new found teenage attitude. There is something brewing in this head/heart/soul of mine and I am uneasy with not being able to put a finger on what to do with it.

As a gift to myself, I purchased Act Like A Success by Steve Harvey. His explanation of the Gift is interesting and makes much sense, however, what is confusing about the Gift is how exactly one is to operate in the gift. I know my gift…the strongest one of them anyway…and it is writing. I can write with my eyes closed. I can write in my sleep. I could probably write standing on my head if my cleavage didn’t smother me first. I. Can. Write. It is my gift. Period. Score one for me (because I actually know that), but–err–what the hell am I suppose to do with it?

I sat at work and took about (5) internet quizzes on gift assessment. Know what all of them said? Artist. Duh. I knew that already. What each quiz failed to explain is what I was suppose to do with that knowledge. Young Gun said I should just have fun with it and explore, but (as I so cheerfully explained to him) I am almost 40…he is not even close so he can explore until his heart is content. My clock is ticking. Yes, yes, I know what some of you are probably thinking: there is no time limit on exploration. I got that. What there is a time limit on is operating in one’s gift and that (for me) is not up for debate.

I am annoyed by not knowing what to do with what was given. I feel like I have been given an engine to put together with no Chilton’s for reference. I suppose I will stop with the internet quizzes (as they are only telling me what I already know) and just continue to float until I get to the per-ordained destination. I am not chasing money. I am not chasing fame. I am not chasing tangible, external power stuff. I am chasing the unabashed freedom that operating fully in the Gift will give. Doesn’t that count for sun’tin?

~SM

Finding Purpose

I am a busy body but it is never my busy. I am busy doing other people’s busy. Kids, work, friends, lovers….never mine. I need something to capture my attention. I need something to fuel my drive. It’s in there…the drive that is.

On a freezing November too-early-to-be-up-on-a-Sunday morning, I sat in the car waiting for the baseball game to start thinking about a friend of mine. He’s young. He’s ambitious. He’s prepared for success. He often speaks of being self sufficient and quitting his job within a year. He is confident in his craft. It makes me a little jealous…I want that too. I want the something to do. The busy.

Being a mother is a wonderful blessing. I don’t take the experience of giving my body and life over to the miracle for granted. I complain, sure, but the experience and the blessing as a whole is not lost on me. For a while, I thought perhaps that was my purpose: to be the best mom ever. Not a bad purpose, if you ask me, but I think I am here for a little more than that.

I owned a magazine. Albeit, I did not handle every aspect of the magazine correctly, but I remember losing myself for hours in the office planning, plotting, and designing. It was my baby. I say all of the time I let it go because no one was listening to my voice but the truth of the matter is I let it go because I thought that was the reason why my husband was cheating.

I would rarely go to bed on time. I stopped being his tv side kick. I was constantly typing or taking meetings or buzzing with ideas. When I found out his eyes and affections had wondered beyond me, I put it down thinking I was being a neglectful wife. Save the pitied looks and tsk-tsk, I have beat myself up over it worse than anyone else could.

So here I am, no longer a neglectful wife, mom taxi, teenage love advice giver, tweenage confidence booster lost in the fray of other people’s lives. Where is mine?

My friend said that he’s not doing music for the money or the fame. It is his language. He said everyone has a language and music is his and it is his charge (from God of course) to speak it. I guess I just want to speak my language too….but I suppose I have to find the voice to speak it with first…right?

~SM