Trusting My Lonely

This has been…eventful to say the least. So many parts of my life, our lives, have been rearranged that it is dizzying to think what may happen next. In the span of a year, I have gained and lost. I have managed to swallow pain and grief whole to push forward and I have regurgitated brokenness. However, on the same hand, I have welcomed love—complete and rooted—with open arms. I have recognized that I am not okay, but I have stood ready for the fight. With only 4 weeks left until this whirlwind of a year is over, I’m unsure if I have anything left.

But…I do. I do have something, a mustard seed, of strength left. Each morning, I manage to keep my sanity intact, my unraveling in check and my heart open. I find moments to dance foolishly, laugh deeply, heartily, and exhale shaking off the dirt and grime. That counts for something, right? So, as the end looms overhead, I have a choice. Only one choice. Find my footing.

It won’t be easy, not with the people in my life I must stand tall for, but I can shed this version of myself—this beaten, bruised, tired, unhealthy, guilt ridden, negative, angry version of Me behind the scenes. I can start over. I have do it on my own, just Me & Me.  I cannot look outward for what is needed inward. No friend, no husband, no new age guru, no book or job can give me what I need. I can give to myself what is necessary, when it is required.

Life, as I have learned, is short. It is messy, complicated, emotional and it is but a small portion of something too big to comprehend. It is all we have. It is all I have. I have to breathe. I have to live. I have to shed the insecurities, the worry, the anxiety and breathe. Unfortunately, I can’t do that in this space. This strange version of myself isn’t working any longer. I love you, I do, but I think it’s time for a new step in the direction of anew. It’s time we go our separate ways and I take this leg of the journey alone.

So, I say to you, Me, “It’s time I let you go. I made the mistake of writing your name on my heart. Cuz your colors show…I’ve been your doll that you poke for fun too long. So, you should go. Don’t look back. I won’t come back. Can do that no more….Go get your praise from someone else. You did a number on my health. My world is brighter by itself and I can do better…I gotta trust my lonely…(Alessia Cara, Trust My Lonely)

It will take time, I know. I have certainly been here before, and that is okay. There is no shame in re-evaluating and pruning what isn’t growing. There are some things I must relearn. There are some places to mend. There are some new rules of thumb. There are so many parts of the world left to see and there’s more than one way to get there. There are some people I must let go, some places I cannot return, some grieving to be done and some crosses to carry but I can do it. I know I can.


Being Helpful

I have about $34 to my name currently. I also have a $20 bill nestled safely and sweetly in my wallet. It has lived there for the past 3 weeks. On top of the $34 and the $20 I have about $1000+ I will  spend in the next few days for a baseball trip–of which I currently do not have. Go figure. The only reason why I have not drowned my sorrows in cake and ice cream just yet is because I have faith that He will make everything okay. But you know what they say…faith without work is dead. So, I decided to put in a little bit of work.

I hate asking for help. I would sit in the dark with only candles for light before I opened my mouth to ask for help. It is unfortunate, but it is who I am. I am learning, however, that that is what family and friends are for. So I put a little bit of my head on their shoulders when my back is crushing the wall. This week (please reference the $1000+ above) my spine is cracking the drywall. I asked for help.

My aunt and uncle were one of the first to answer the call. When my uncle answered the call, he reminded me to tithe. It was a funny thing he had mentioned it because it was nothing more than confirmation. Just a week prior I had prayed about my situation (as a whole) and what I should do and the only thing that came back was that. It stayed on my mind for days afterward–you know that nagging pull and tug? Yes, that was it. Okay God, I understand. I have a plan. Starting July 1 I would have it all in place. So–yea–the thing about God and plans….

Remember the mention of that sweet little $20 bill I have tucked away? It is no longer tucked–in my wallet anyway. YG came into the office looking for food to feed his face. He also mentioned that he was trying to drum up cab fare for a lady who had been sitting in the lobby trying to figure out how she would get to where she needed to go. Angel tap, mental nod, bye bye $20. He took a $20 bill out of his wallet ready to hand it to her and I slipped my $20 out too. “You sure?” He said. “Yup.” I said. “Ok, I will try to get you your money back.” I shook my head. “No need. I don’t want it back.” And truthfully, I didn’t.

Someone sewed a seed for me in my time of need and it seemed only fitting that I did the same. The Angel tap didn’t hurt either. I have learned not to argue with God or to hem and haw at His instruction. We have no idea what His plan is. It feels good to be helpful when I am in need of help. To be able to give openly knowing it is His will and for His good and not my own, feels right. I like feeling good and right. It also feels kinda cool to get my sweet little $20 back…she didn’t need quite so much after all 🙂


What Is The Point?

Remember that scene in Dreamgirls when Deena asks the other two what’s the point? I am asking the same question. Deena asked that question of her group-mates because she was frustrated. They knew they had done an outstanding job, but once again they got the door shut in their faces. So, out of frustration she expressed her interest in finding out what the hell is the point of it all. I don’t ask in frustration, but more out of curiosity.

I was plucking a couple hairs and wondered why. I put lotion on my feet this morning and asked myself what for. I put on a dress and make up and made my way out the door to drive twenty minutes to work and for what? I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home and do it all over again, but for what? Why? To make a set amount of money just to pay someone all of said money? To buy things of no value or momentary value? Don’t you ever wonder, like really really wonder why we are doing what we do? Why do we bother?

If you believe in God then you believe He has a plan and purpose for your life. You wouldn’t be here if He didn’t. But He knows the plan–you don’t. So, while He’s working the plan and you are either right on target or running around in circles like a headless chicken, there is a point we just don’t know what it is. So what is the point of the not knowing? Is it to teach us something and if so, does it really matter? We’ll be dead when the lesson is learned. Right?

Why in the world are we here? Why are there some rich, some poor, some in between? Why are their nutty people and seemingly sane people? Why are there marriages that last 50 years and some that only last 5 days? Why are there single people longing for love and why are their coupled people cheating? Why do we wear make up and look for better jobs? Why do we have passions yet can’t find a way to live them? What. Is. The. Point? Perhaps we’ll never know…well…anytime soon that is.


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