Tag Archives: anger

Desperately Seeking Okay

I hung up the phone, laid my head down and cried—hard. Every difficulty, every stumble in the past twelve months spilled out and landed in a messy puddle. The tiny fracture weaving its way through my heart finally reached its destination, breaking it into tiny, uneven pieces. The eggshells I continuously balanced on carrying everything on my shoulders were crushed into a fine powder from the weight. The stuffing had finally come out as my threads came undone. My skin and bones were jelly. All of this was entirely too much. If it all ended in a quick flick of the light switch, spilling me into complete and utter darkness that would have been okay. I was not okay.

Young Gun happened to catch me in this pitiful moment of despair and tried rescuing me, but instead, I sucked up the despair quickly and replaced it with anger. Seething, violent, red-hot anger. I suddenly felt like I was going to burst into flames. It was deeply rooted from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. A small voice in my head tried dousing the flames, whispering “You are not okay” but I barely heard it. My skin burned and sweat beaded my forehead. My hands itched to punch, and so I did. My throat exploded in screams and grunts. The anger bubbled and popped under the surface. I was not okay.

I eventually calmed down, and by eventually I mean a week later. Just now, I am beginning to recognize the lack of grounding. Had I been grounded previously, my reaction would have been different. The physical ache would have felt different. The words would have tasted different. No one and their shenanigans should get me to a place of instability, but over this year I have felt its slow boil and refused to acknowledge it. All it took for the pot to boil over was one more senseless thing.

Sure, I can poke fun at Young Gun and I forgetting to hang damp pants or putting on underwear backward, but there are serious consequences to not taking care of myself. I have been pushing it aside consistently and it finally was too much. The levies finally broke. And so, here I am exhausted and lost after the water receded and the storm subsided. I have been in the belly of this beast for long enough. I have got to find a way out…a way to okay.

The stress is taking a physical toll and it is time for me to put it all down and leave it all be. I have to take it one step at a time. I have to go back to the practices that made me well. I have to remind myself which battles are worth the fight and which people can %#@! off. I can’t be everything to everybody and be nothing to myself. If I want to keep my head, I have to keep reminding myself:

Everything will be okay. I will be okay.


Why You Mad?

During my cable having OWN Lifeclass Super Soul Sunday watching days, I learned that anger is not anger at all really…it’s fear. Unable to get a grasp on the road raging complaining mumbling week I had and why, I realized all of it was coming from fear. But what am I afraid of?

Everything is going well. The kids are fine. The living quarters are ok. The Mom Bus is hanging in there. Work is work, but fine. Romantic life is swimming. Weight loss is a bitch, but hey–that’s no surprise. So of all of the things spinning on the little planet of Me, what could I possibly be presenting itself as a fear? I suppose it could be several things. Life never presents itself in a nice neat little package all of the time. Sometimes you actually have to pay attention.

I wrote down a list of all the things happening currently and the one with the most potential was money. Money. I have none. It is a stresser that seems to grip my spine and shake the living shit out of it. It shakes and shakes until I am nothing more than a puddle of weeping flesh. Blood is definitely being squeezed out of this turnip.

I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I have a plan. I try to execute it and it all goes to poop by pay day. Something breaks or a kid needs something or a utility company wants money. Nothing seems to be enough and enough seems to be nothing. It is a vicious cycle of disappointment, and unfortunately it is a fearful place to reside.

At any moment I am afraid of my entire world crashing down. Just one little thread being pulled and the fabric of Sadie’s World will be unraveled. A person cannot live in that fear space for long, and unfortunately it festers and becomes anger. Anger soon turns to bitterness. And bitterness is just plain ugly (I do not desire to be unattractive at any point….ever).

So what is a girl to do? Find a sugar daddy? Young Gun might not approve. Work a pole? The onlookers may not like what they see. Waitress? Yea….if you know me you know that would never work. What to do, what to do? I suppose first things first: Pray. Then just deal. Even at the most inopportune times when the thread was being pulled, Sadie’s World did not completely unravel. It felt like it, but it didn’t. It never does. I just have to hold onto that knowledge, take a breath, and rework the plan–whatever that is. I have to step back and release the fear thus releasing the anger too.