Tag Archives: happy

Hairy Situation

Hair, to most women, is their crowning glory. Why else would we spend nights sleeping sitting up? Or spending hundreds of dollars to sew on someone else’s hair to their heads? Hair is important. It makes a woman feel…super. So why in the world did this woman cut hers off?

Last year (or the year before–I dunno–my life is a blur) I went completely natural, mostly because I could not really afford to get my hair done.  I was also working out like a maniac and moisture plus relaxer equals beauty parlor much much sooner than anticipated. The decision was not met well with The He, but once I set my mind to something I do it.

The ultimate end to the story was that when my hair was natural I was happy. I felt good. I felt less pressure to be something someone else wanted but then….something happened. The He found a new She and when my gut said something was wrong with our “happy” little life I doubted myself. I doubted what I wanted. When The He said he was no longer attracted to me because of my hair….I marched straight to the salon and relaxed it. I was miserable.

Here I am, almost a year from the day I changed myself for the liking of someone else, back to natural. Again, it wasn’t intentional. I am also back to working out like a maniac and (again) I cannot afford to get it done. Here I am, almost a year from the day my heart was ripped from my chest, back to being me.

Last night, I got up off the couch, grabbed a pair of scissors, and cut away what was left of someone else’s idea of what made me attractive. I cut away the shame of physically changing myself for another person. I cut away the hurt and the brokenness and stepped a little closer to The Me. I cut away the reminder that what others perceive as beautiful has no bearing on my actual beauty. I cut away everyone else and finally…finally…saw just little old me. And, oh, how beautiful she is with her short, curly, salt & pepper crown.

~SM

Mind Games

Remember the whole Heels & Lip Gloss thing? Yea, so, I have come to the conclusion it is all pretty much in my head. Silently, I am having this whirl wind love affair with a guy who probably thinks I’m nuts for giggling whenever he walks into the room. I mean, sure, his arms have man veins and his hands look all strong and junk and yes he’s tall and he definitely looks dashing in a uniform…but what else is there?

I know this dude not. He could be a complete asshole or a wimp or a dog, yet when he walks into the room or speaks to me (as if I am his school teacher, mind you) I can’t help but blush. Hell…I’m smiling right now! But it is indeed all in my head.

I am uncertain if he really knows of the attraction–I doubt it. When we do happen to share the same space there is tension in the air, not a negative tension–more like a shy kind of what-do-i-say tension. But perhaps that is all in my head too! Maybe when he is waiting for the microwave or looking in my direction he is thinking about how random I am or wondering why I laugh so loud or why I seem to find menial tasks to do in the kitchen. (Seriously–does it take 10 minutes to wash a fork?) Either way you slice it, it seems to be all in my head and that’s ok. A girl’s gotta have something to look forward to, right?

In all honesty, it is fun. It is an escape from the reality which is my life. For just a little while I get to be the object of someone’s pretend-all-in-my-head affections. As it stands now, if he did ask me out I would probably hold my breath until I turned blue. What would I do? What could I say? How would I handle it? In my head he overhears me talking about taking in a Braves game and asks me if I would like to go this weekend. Of course I answer with a surprising sexy cool laced with “this is purely platonic” answer. In my head we never seem to talk on the phone or go out on an actual date but he does ask. In reality, when we are sharing space I never say a word. I fumble and speak quickly. So, just imagine if he actually flirted with me for real and did, indeed, ask me out on a date. (Do people do that anymore or is it just penis pics and phone sex?)

Silly, I know, but it’s keeping my silly self entertained. It keeps me giggling and smiling and imagining something better. It keeps me in heels and preparing what to wear the night before (as opposed to 15 minutes before having to leave for work). I have found the joy in pencil eyeliner and playing with eye shadow again. No, a man, imaginary attraction or not, should have no bearing on how good I feel about myself (which it doesn’t really…I am pretty kick ass if I do say so myself. Let’s all clap for growth), but it makes finding the new me a little more fun. Who can argue with fun?

~SM

Inspirational You!

You are an inspiration. Did you know that? People are watching what you do and it inspires them to do it too. It might seem like you are not getting far or doing well, but to someone watching from afar you are showing courage just by doing what seems impossible. Even your toughest, darkest moments are inspiring because you don’t break. You arm yourself with faith and make it through despite the challenges you face. You may fall short and stumble a tad along the way, but you continue to stand tall and believe. Don’t be surprised by those who stand idly by and watch what you do–they know that if you can, they can. You are the catalyst for change. Now that is amazing.

~SM

The Mind

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. The older I become, the more and more I find truth in that statement.

When the Boy & Girl were younger, I spent most of my days in the Stupid-Haze. The Stupid-Haze is the cloud of stupidity that follows you around and numbs all your good common sense and every ounce of your education (both schoolhouse and life). You start speaking in broken English and wondering why you were in the grocery store (sigh).

Part of the reason why I found myself in the idiot predicament was because I stopped working on the gray (or grey…I’m still working on it) matter.  I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped having adult conversation that did not consist of kids, cartoons and bills. I stopped coloring, drawing and painting. I stopped playing games and laying on the grass. I stopped feeding my spirit. Instead I dumbed myself down by numbing myself.

A day came when I became aware of my new found stupidity and something needed to be done. I began moving back to what I loved–learning.  When we stop learning, we stop creating. When we stop creating, we stop living.  When we stop living, we stop evolving. Evolution is essential to Spirit survival.  A healthy, happy spirit is nourished by the constant openness (and willingness) to be still and learn.

Naturally, that takes a bit of effort through reading, writing, meditating, and creating, and that suites me just fine. I am committed to the process of learning through various channels and opening up my mind to what is possible both inside and outside of myself.

~SM

Today I AM: Wanting the More

Today I AM wanting the more. Yesterday ended a very nice trip out of town. Of course pulling up in the driveway was nice and seeing familiarity was good, however, I still was not ok. I wanted the more. You know…the more…the more out of life lurking in the shadows. I no longer want the mediocre. I no longer want the “well…it’s a _____” or the “at least it’s ____”.  I want the sigh of “I can’t believe I’m doing/seeing/holding ___” and big smiles. I want the ability to chart my own territory. I want the more.  I need the more. I feel stifled and unhappy without it. I feel held back and out of place. There is more–I can feel it vibrating above, beside, below. There is more…there is the more…there is my more…and I want it.

~SM

Today I AM: A Traveler

Today I AM a traveler.  For months and months I have been pining to travel. I have watched planes fly over head and wished I could just reach up and go too. I have planned vacations that I am pretty sure I can’t possibly afford. I have thumbed through the blank pages of my passport and reminded myself that I have 9 years left to make it useful. I have stared at maps and flipped through travel magazines all to remind myself that there is more out there to see and do and feel. Today (albeit I didn’t go very far) I am a traveler. I traveled to a different time zone, breathed different air, drove on different roads and even though it isn’t that major of a distance–it is a world away for me. I am so giddy! This is what I have been waiting for…to just pack a bag (or 4) and go. Oh the places I will go….

~SM

Today I AM: Happy

Today I AM happy. I don’t think I have ever really ever been happy. I have felt happiness. I have felt things that mimic happy, but I have never really known happy. Today I know happy. I am happy with being alone. I am happy with my body (go figure!). I am happy with my position in life. I am just happy with it all. Happiness, I have very recently found, has nothing to do with the external. It isn’t contentment. It isn’t acceptance. It’s being right where you are and having gratitude for being a step further than you were. It’s loving everything…the good, the bad, the fat and the ugly. It’s forgiving others, sure, but definitely forgiving self. Happiness isn’t guilt feelings over things that were said or done. It’s telling the anger, the hurt, or pain that while you acknowledge its place, your heart no longer has room enough to receive it. Happy is good. Happy is feeling like a room without a roof 😉

~SM