I am a reactor. I react. Pure emotion. You cut me off in traffic, I wish I had a tank to crush you. You jump in front of me in line, I want to trip you on the way out. Temper temper. A lot of times I put my foot, the whole thing, in my mouth and wish I hadn’t. Did I say that? Did I mean that? Layer the foot with the daily guilt I feel about every little thing and sprinkle that with some anger glitter and you have got me. Mmmmm, delicious.
After some internal checks lately, I have come to realize silence is golden—especially coming from me. If I just shut up sometimes or if I just nod my head and smile maybe, just maybe, messes wouldn’t be made and I can walk on my feet instead of choking on them.
I am like the Hulk. I turn green and roar and smash. I do not give people any room to be human. Instead I shut it down lock it down and toss away the key….and then roar and smash stuff. I don’t think about the words being used until after the fact, and then I live days or weeks or months trying to clean up the mess. So, I’m vowing to shut up.
It has been a declaration of mine before, to shut up, but it lasted like three days and then I went back to running my mouth. I went back to over explaining, using too many words, and spewing things perhaps I should have just kept to myself. I let the Hulktress and all of her shitty emotions react for me instead of being a grown up and assessing the situation for what it is. I am pretty sure it will be difficult to keep it all in at first, but maybe I can channel all of that into something good like the great American novel I keep referencing but never seem to finish.
Emily Dickinson said it best, “Saying nothing sometimes says the most.” My voice does not need to literally be heard to be heard. I do not have to bounce anything off anyone. I do not need to fill up the air with words aplenty. I need to just hush, say nothing and let that be the voice that matters. Perhaps if I do, I can learn to take in the situation and think a little more critically, and eventually, I can stop chewing on my feet.
~SM
Being Sadie May 