“What instances do you need to grieve or surrender?” (Grit & Virtue)
Twenty-eighteen was a year of extremes…to say the least.
My family and I celebrated (or should have) a lot of wonderful moments last year, but each moment seemed to be tainted by something. Young Gun and I got married in March, and while, for a brief moment, we were able to be in the moment, newlywed thoughts and actions quickly dissipated. The conversation swung to funerals and cremations. The day we found out Cookie was a girl, we were able to smile and celebrate for a brief moment, and then sadness seeped in as YG settled into the realization his mother was not there (and would not be) for any of it, as of four days prior.
My 39th birthday was covered with a small fog of sadness as my furry friend of 15 years was recently buried in our backyard. Our celebration of YG’s first Father’s Day was short lived as he spent the day hurt by selfishness. The birth of our beautiful new addition was short in celebration. After only six hours, she was whisked away to the NICU. For Thanksgiving, the excitement of Cookie’s grandparents and extended family getting to meet her was extinguished quickly.
Our first Christmas Eve blended family celebration packed with hot chocolate and Christmas movie line-up was dampened by Young Gun being sick. Christmas itself was mediocre at best because we were broke, severely. With games sprawled out on the table and anticipation bubbling for us to celebrate new beginnings, New Year’s Eve was shaping up to be a first that was not dampened/tainted/ruined by anything. Except…it was.
Looking back at the turds floating in our punch bowls last year, I could easily dwell on each of them. I could carry bitterness with me and be cautious about anything shaping up to be joyous this go ‘round, but I refuse. Yes, some of the big moments in our lives were dampened by a circumstance, but we cannot allow that to steal our joy. It was absent enough.
After today, I don’t plan on looking back at these moments from this vantage point. The moments meant to be joyous will stay that way in my mind. Under the rubble there is goodness. I am going to dig it out, dust it off and put it in a new shelter. I will protect the goodness a bit better this time and make sure that before I allow anything to steal joy, I check it at the door.
~SM
Being Sadie May 